You know that saying…”It is good everywhere, but it is the best at home.” Or something like that…

Or when you been away for ages and finally you come back to your home and family the warmth and love.?

It’s been years since I felt that…

I don’t know where my place is I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I do have family a big family but at the same time I’m alone … When I was born I lived in different country the one I’m originally from with my dad and mum obviously + my dads mum ( my nan) and his sister (my auntie ). They split up when I was about 6 years old (there’s many reasons why they did but I wont talk about it) and I remember to this date when my mum was packing and asked me “who are you staying with ? me or your dad ?” knowing I was only six  under pressure and confused I chose to go with my mum leaving my dad. Up to this day I question my self what would it be like if I chose my dad , would it be better then this hell ? what would my life looked like? maybe I would of been happier or just happy. But that time I  didn’t know who I would become or go through I was only 6. I don’t know why I chose mum maybe because I always listen to her and she had a stronger effect on me or I got bit scared.

Me and my mum moved to a new house but not for long , only for like a year or two as my mum struggled with money. So we had to move again , this time we moved to my mums mum and dad (nan and grandpa) and at time her younger brother still lived there and her other one was in army I think. My nan and my grandpa where like my second mum and dad specially my grandpa he was my favourite I loved him with all my heart. Knowing that he didn’t have much money he always made sure I had everything. I was really close with them as even doe I didn’t live with them I used to spend loads of time with them or visit them a lot. After we moved in I found out the reason we actually moved, yes my mum struggled with money and that was the main reason but her other reason of moving was that she was going to UK to look for a job and she needed my nan to look after me while she gets a job and place for us to live. She was only gone for a year or two but for me it was like 5 years … the worst part was that I loved living at my Nan’s as I knew loads of people there since I was little I got to see them more often and go to school together I was really happy. But I had to move to UK even after all the begging that I want to stay I still had to go I didn’t have a choice.

After we moved my dad came to visit us but he actually came because my mum and him where trying to see if they could still work and get together , which didn’t. My life changed to hell after I moved but I don’t want to talk about this on this post as it not about that. My mum started to see someone which I found out when he came to visit us I guess she wanted me to meet him but the thing is she could at least tell me about him. After they decided to be together I tried break them apart which I nearly did two time. Yes I was selfish but just at first , the first time I did it because I didn’t want him in our lives it was supposed  to be me and my mum or I was hopping that she would get back with dad. But second time I did because she deserved better she deserved someone that will treat her right will spoil her she deserved someone better. But when they where really close to break up she came to me and asked to stop I told her ” Listen its your life your choice which you will have to deal with and live with. I want you to be happy and I will stop if you want. I will move out one day and its you not me that will have to live with him so it your decision” So I stopped and tried n hardest to not tell them what I think . Lest just say since then we tried to stay of each others ways I guess which sometimes didn’t work…

Back to Today’s day my mum and her boyfriend  been together for about 9 years and they have a child together my brother which is  like 6 years old  and I love him with all my heart no matter what , oh and I still live with them when I’m not at uni. My dad still lives with his mum and sister helping them financially working at two different jobs and I tried to visit them as much as I can so like twice a year. He has a new girlfriend now with 2 sons which is really nice and I’m happy for him, I want him to be happy.My nan from my mums side lives alone with one of her son’s (the one that was in army) I’m no a fun of him so I do stay at my nan’s for to long I rather visit her but not sleep over there if that makes sense. So I stay at my dads as I rather not see my uncle , which is not to far from my nan only like 20 minutes in a tram.

The most important person I was closest to , that loved me no matter what and was ALWAYS proud of me passed away last year my grandpa my best grandpa in the world my second dad.

I know they all love me … and I’m not alone but I cant find my own place my own home full of love and warm.

I was kinda okay with it in till they left me alone looking after our dogs and went for the first ever holiday with out me and the funny bit is that my dad was on holiday with his new family when they where …and I .. I was alone by my self. 

I know I’m kinda old and an adult but it still hurts…

Sorry for writing so much to whoever reads it if anyone will ,but I had to get it  out of my head.



9 thoughts on “Home?

      1. That’s what I love when they are real and coming strait from you ! I would like to say yes but I been through some stuff as well and I guess it wasn’t the best and I’m trying to move on and forget but whenever it comes back to me it hurts so I tough about write it here to get it out of my head which kinda helps.

        Liked by 1 person

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