There’s someone for everyone huh? Which kinda makes sense looking at how many people there is in the world , but looking from my perspective its hard to believe. I never had an actual boyfriend NEVER and  I’m 20 which is kinda sad this stage there must be something wrong with me.

Firs kiss should be amazing and special ..well mine was opposite of that. I kissed a guy from my school well he kissed me when he was really drunk but I stopped him… I didn’t even like him. The next day I told him and I hoped that this would stay between me and him (I was stupid) , after the weekend when I got to school everyone knew and not in good way … they kinda made jokes about it (like I said I wasn’t too popular at school). Since then I’m not a fun of kissing like I feel discouraged , since then I only kissed someone when I went clubbing and after some drinks but not made out just like one small kiss.

In my second year in college I went to a house party as my friend invited me and I knew most of people but there was 2 boys I haven’t seen before. So they decided to play games of course they picked truth and dare , so after some time the bottle picked John ( I don’t want to use his real name so I’m gone call him John ) and he chose to do dare so guess what people told him to kiss me and my reaction was like “NO nonononononono NO! like no nono no…” and then he smiled and said that he doesn’t mind its up to me. The thing is I liked him I though he was adorable and that smile …ahh but he was too good looking to like me so I never tried to get him or tried anything at all.  So after like 10 mins of me saying no I finally did it we kissed I didn’t feel anything like no butterflies …just nothing just maybe the time stopped for like 3 seconds (haha) but that’s it, maybe I was too stress or maybe because he wasn’t the best at kissing. We where supposed to do it for like 6 seconds which end it up to be 10. I opened my eyes while we kissed and put my hand no his chest and moved away saying that’s it. For the rest of the party he was sitting next to me all smiley ( even doe the girl that he fucks was sitting right next to me making it extra awkward) , so I though maybe I wasn’t that bad like clearly he didn’t want to stop and I was the one that did. But I never expected what was about to happen …. When I got to college the next day I’ve heard from people that they heard rumour that I kissed someone but they didn’t know for sure if I did or who I kissed so it was fine. In till I saw sports boys ( John was doing sports so they knew him even though he was new) I’m not friends with them I despise them … I think they are disgusting talking about girls like object they can use or win and then call them sluts. I only stand few  that don’t behave like that well at least I don’t know about it. So I saw them and while I walked passed them I heard them saying “He kissed her …I would rather die” and stuff like that. I felt like a garbage I never felt like that in my life. I never asked for it I was the one that said no! I had to go out side I didn’t want anyone to see me crying to see me weak. I found out later from my friend that one of the guys I didn’t know recorded me kissing with John so basically most of people saw it. I was literally in hell. I never asked what’s been said about me behind my back as I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it I just tried to ignore it and was hopping that they  will forget it. I never spoke to John again well I only said hi if he did but he never said it with a smile like before but with a sad face ,guilty face.

Since then I haven’t kissed anyone even when I go out (like 4 times a week) ,even when  I get drunk/wasted I don’t… (knowing its been like 2 years and I’m 20 and at UNIVERSITY! Like I must be the most boring student ever). I did fancy couple of boy but never made a move… there where to good looking and they would never look at me or they just preferred my friend (I’m a duff). Like yes I know I can’t think like that and need to move from the past and stop being shy and be more confident but its fucking hard …its fucking hard to be confident specially knowing that I’m not a good looking girl maybe I’m average…and there are skinnier and prettier girls.

Everyone one around me …my closes friends are in relationship , it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with, be lazy with , play games with , watch movies , travel … just to have my other half that I can trust. I just feel like I will never met anyone , no one will look at me  …and I’m tried of hearing oh there’s someone there for you blah blah blah. Because I’m tried of waiting ,I’m tired of looking ,I’m tired of being disappointed.

And tired of being alone…



7 thoughts on “Boyfriend?

  1. Don’t worry, the “right” guy will appear at times you don’t expect it. I met my BF when I totally told myself I would never meet the love of my life.
    20…what a lovely age. Just enjoy your youth and try to think more positive even though it might seem so difficult. I am also more a melancholic person but I’ve learned how to suppress negative thoughts. You will learn it too. Surround yourself by positive people and one day you will become one too. :-* wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much really means a lot. I’m trying to be with positive people but sometimes they turn up not to be like you know people it’s hard to find the ones you can trust. Hopefully one day I be that positive person I used to be …
      I’m really happy for you that you found your love of your life best luck and thank you for reading and for speding your time to write this thank you xx


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