When I was younger I always moaned how I will never become like my mum … that I wont dye my hair , use make up , smoke or be a girly girl. The way I tough I had it all worked out when I was like 9-10 years old , but clearly I’ve done something wrong as I became exactly what I said I never would.
I dyed my hair not loads but couple of time I started with hight lighter saying “oh this isn’t a big deal just little change it wont destroy my hair” to dyeing it red , brown and blond. I stayed with blond as I though it suits me the best (funny fact my mum dyes her hair blond too) and make up, oh my god how I hated make up and look at me now I have 2 boxes with make up like lips stick , eye shadow and does stupid contouring kit etc. Its not like I stop hating it because I do I think I just a waste of the time and its just effort to do and its not like I’m trying to fit in (maybe a little bit) but I’m not a fun of my face and the fact society uses the advantages of girls with anxiety’s to sell there products doesn’t help. I’m not saying this so people feel sad for me or that I’m seeking attention it just what kinda gives me self confidence and makes me feel better about my self maybe even pretty … like its fine. Its also funny that in my head I’m trying to look my best so when I see people from school or college or that just know me (specially does ones that made me go through hell) , to look at me and she that I’ve changed , became better , got my life together and that I grown up to a better looking girl ..even though its not true I want them to think that … like does any one else ever do that ? want to feel they are in control now ?
Smoking well I don’t really well hmm.. This is how I used to see it (still do a little bit) so when ever I was stress or angry or sad + cigarette = peace . But there was a time that I would smoke a lot not to be cool or that I was addicted because I wasn’t like I didn’t wake up thinking oh no I need to smoke like I never had that in my head that I have an urgent need to smoke or otherwise I’m gone die. It was more like I’m gone smoke because I’m bored , one of my favourite books (Looking for Alaska) had a great bit that made me question why do I actually smoke :
“Alaska finished her cigarette and flicked it into the river.
‘Why do you smoke so damn fast?’ I asked.
She looked at me and smiled widely, and such a wide smile on her narrow face might have looked goofy were it not for the unimpeachably elegant green in her eyes. She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, ‘Y’all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.”
I don’t smoke any more maybe sometime when I got out drinking that’s it. Ahh and of course drinking the most important ingredient to my life to make me happy (no I’m not alcoholic.. yet). No I’m joking I’m not that bad but I do have mods where I want to get wasted which doesn’t happen often as I can handle my drinking most of time. There’s one time I got really drunk I told my private stuff like really private to this guy I knew from college and afterwards I told my friend what I did and got scared that he will tell everyone I knew he had a big mouth so I start swearing at him thinking he wasn’t around any more ..guess what he was like right behind me. I never spoke to him about that night I don’t know how much he told people but I know he told something (one of the reasons I hate my past). So this should of made me hate drinking (this is not the only times I did something stupid when drunk there’s more embarrassing stories ..yey me ) but it didn’t. You know what I hate about alcohol it makes you feel better about your self , that you could do anything and sometimes its good it actually works but sometimes it goes bad and the next day you regret what you have done … but the worst thing is you cant forget it , it always comes back . Another thing I always hit that stage when I start to sober up how much my life suck and I just go home and then all my friend fallows me ,even when I actually just disappear and message them they still come after me so I don’t just ruin my night I ruin everyone’s night…